Dissatisfied....

[cinaed]

Have you ever just been tired? Weary to your bones even though you got nine hours of sleep the night before? So tired that tears rise unbidden to your eyes and you start getting paranoid, certain that an off-hand comment made by a friend was meant as something more pointed, meant to hurt you and only you?

Life is just...not interesting right now. My classes are so meaningless that I want to scream and throw something across the room just to get something interesting to happen. Being a soccer referee has lost any enjoyment at all, and even the good money I'm making isn't enough to keep me from wanting to throw up before I go out on the field.

Home is just as shitty. My brother's obsessed with his girlfriend so he kicks me off the computer and keeps me from talking to my European friends when he could just as easily call her on his cell--the cell we were supposed to share and I've only held twice since Dad gave it to "us" on Christmas. Even though I'm eighteen my dad still treats me like I'm eight, constantly acting like I'm some idiot who's about to do something insane. I'm *eighteen*! Eighteen is old enough for me to know what's stupid and what's smart and--guess what--I screw up? I do something that wrecks my life? I spend all my money of "useless" manga?

I'm eighteen. It's my own fucking fault. Let me make my own mistakes. I'm going to college next year. Stop god-damn coddling me and let me learn the hard way! But of course I can't tell that to my dad. His weak heart might not handle the stress so I *can't* argue with him without getting bitched at by my mother. She's also getting on me about controlling my own temper, and I'm tired of it. I wouldn't get pissy if Dad would treat me like an adult.

This meaningless and constant tension is affecting my writing. I sit and stare at the screen for hours upon end. I. Can't. Write. Anything. Everything I type seems stilted and stupid, and I want to smash my hand through my computer. Oh, I can get marvelous story ideas--I just can't write the actual story.

I'm bored. I want to do something that my parents haven't forced me into. I want to spend all my hard-earned refereeing money on manga since manga is the only thing I truly enjoy anymore. I want to be able to walk through my front door without instinctively wanting to scream in frustration at the nagging that certain to come. I want to...feel anything other than this incredible weariness and constant knot in my stomach.

----

"Final Answer" by The Calling

I want love
To carry me through
All the moments, I'd kindly undo
Locked away
So I can feel safe

Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change
Look down at the water
Before I jump in
To find I was sinking fast, in all the might have been

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain?
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer

Remember the night you wore that dress
It flowed through our lips
Drink after drink, and kiss after kiss
I'm still holding on, day after day
Don't run away
I want love to carry me through
Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain?
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black

*-*-*

Comments

[notadoor.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Ick. No fun.

Even though I do quite often have screaming matches with my parents, at least I'm allowed to lose my temper at them. And because I can tell them what I think of them once in awhile, I'm a lot better at *not* getting angry with them and compromising and all of that good stuff.

Seriously, though. Keep trying to write. Even if it seems bad, keep going until you've finished one story (or a poem, or a lyric, or a freewriting segment, or whatever you want to write), and then another, and then another. Just starting to write on a regular basis again will help get rid of the block, and it might help you de-stress.

(I've noticed this with myself, and a lot of other writer friends -- we can never be truly balanced, truly happy, truly calm, unless we're working on something. Writing is as necessary as food and sleep. If I don't write, at least a little bit, I start PMSing 24/7.)

-Sarah

[cinaed.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I get...off when I can't seem to write. Have you ever read the poem "Imitations of Horace" by Alexander Pope? He compared writing poetry to a compulsion. *grin* I think writing is precisely that for a good deal of people.

But yeah, every time I try to talk reasonably to my parents they smile and nod and then ignore whatever I've said. It's frustrating and since I'm eighteen I'd like to be treated somewhat like an adult. I need to learn to be self-reliant and to make my own mistakes. My best friend's parents give her plenty of responsibility and she's a heck of a lot more self-sufficent than I am.

But really, thanks a lot for the advice. *hugs* I'll definitely keep trying to write.

[storyhobbit.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Poor Ace. Even I, who have very reasonable parents as far as parents go, am having a difficult time dealing with this stage before college. I'm not a grown-up, and I'm not a kid, and I wish people would make up their minds about it and at least let me know what it is I'm supposed to be doing.

I second everything Sarah says, though I'm not as good about writing through things as she is, I don't think. Good luck with everything, and may things get better soon.

If nothing else, you could always write crappy revenge sequences. That ought to be fun. ;)

[cinaed.livejournal.com]

Oooh.... Revenge scenes. *gets evil glint in her eye* That is a very good idea. *glomps* Thanks for putting up with my whining. ;)