Dissatisfied....

Have you ever just been tired? Weary to your bones even though you got nine hours of sleep the night before? So tired that tears rise unbidden to your eyes and you start getting paranoid, certain that an off-hand comment made by a friend was meant as something more pointed, meant to hurt you and only you?

Life is just...not interesting right now. My classes are so meaningless that I want to scream and throw something across the room just to get something interesting to happen. Being a soccer referee has lost any enjoyment at all, and even the good money I'm making isn't enough to keep me from wanting to throw up before I go out on the field.

Home is just as shitty. My brother's obsessed with his girlfriend so he kicks me off the computer and keeps me from talking to my European friends when he could just as easily call her on his cell--the cell we were supposed to share and I've only held twice since Dad gave it to "us" on Christmas. Even though I'm eighteen my dad still treats me like I'm eight, constantly acting like I'm some idiot who's about to do something insane. I'm *eighteen*! Eighteen is old enough for me to know what's stupid and what's smart and--guess what--I screw up? I do something that wrecks my life? I spend all my money of "useless" manga?

I'm eighteen. It's my own fucking fault. Let me make my own mistakes. I'm going to college next year. Stop god-damn coddling me and let me learn the hard way! But of course I can't tell that to my dad. His weak heart might not handle the stress so I *can't* argue with him without getting bitched at by my mother. She's also getting on me about controlling my own temper, and I'm tired of it. I wouldn't get pissy if Dad would treat me like an adult.

This meaningless and constant tension is affecting my writing. I sit and stare at the screen for hours upon end. I. Can't. Write. Anything. Everything I type seems stilted and stupid, and I want to smash my hand through my computer. Oh, I can get marvelous story ideas--I just can't write the actual story.

I'm bored. I want to do something that my parents haven't forced me into. I want to spend all my hard-earned refereeing money on manga since manga is the only thing I truly enjoy anymore. I want to be able to walk through my front door without instinctively wanting to scream in frustration at the nagging that certain to come. I want to...feel anything other than this incredible weariness and constant knot in my stomach.

----

"Final Answer" by The Calling

I want love
To carry me through
All the moments, I'd kindly undo
Locked away
So I can feel safe

Now that I'm down on my knees, begging for change
Look down at the water
Before I jump in
To find I was sinking fast, in all the might have been

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain?
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer

Remember the night you wore that dress
It flowed through our lips
Drink after drink, and kiss after kiss
I'm still holding on, day after day
Don't run away
I want love to carry me through
Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do

What I need now is an honest answer, to make things better
You can see now my hands are tied, and I surrender
So I'll wait here for your final answer, your final answer
Is there love without hate
Is there pleasure without pain?
I have seen all my mistakes
I cast you out, but now, I want you back
So light me again, cause my heart is turning black

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